BACON!!!

Friday, October 13, 2006

BACON!!! Current mood: hungry Category: Romance and Relationships OK...I claim no originality on this one. I'm sure someone else has posted these thoughts before, be it on a blog, or a stand-up comedian(ienne), or even a bad sitcom. This is just something that poped into my head a few minutes ago. But first some background... You all (may or may not) know that I am extremely spoiled in my job. Not only is the pay great, but the benefits of working for a small family-run business are fantastic. Specific to this blog is the "free lunch" benefit. Mrs. Madeline comes in every day around 9AM to fix us lunch. She's an old Sicilian lady who used to run her own restaurant until she retired. Now she works part time for us so we don't have to leave the office every day to scavenge lunch at whatever restaurant/fast food joint. Very convenient, and Lawdy Miss Claudy, Have Mercy Mister Percy can that woman cook! Which brings me to... I was sitting in an office down the hall from mine, very far from the kitchen. We have the windows open because of the good weather. All of a sudden, our little bull session stops mid-sentence because everyone smells bacon. I immediately start drooling. I'm like the dog in the commercial...BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, I SMELL BACON!!!!!!!!!! The breeze flowing through the building carried the scent of heaven all the way from the kitchen to the office we were in. I head to the kitchen to refill my coffee jug (64oz of black love, baybee!) and Mrs. Mad slips me a couple of slices of the crispy goodness. She loves me and takes care of me. What can I say??? I'm a hit with the over 60 crowd. So I'm munching down and sipping my coffee and Mrs. Mad says to me, "There's nothing like the smell of bacon". Naturally, I agree with her. Then I thought... Why don't they make a bacon-scented perfume for women? I mean, what man (aside from Moby...but is he really a man anyway???) DOESN'T love the smell of bacon? I can't say that I particularly enjoy the smell of perfume. Cheap or expensive, I don't really like it. It makes my allergies act up, and I can't ever recall it having an aphrodesiacal (is that a real word?) effect on me. But rub some bacon on your neck, and I'll buy you the Hope Diamond. Some say men think with our dicks. This is probably true, but the stomach bone must be connected to the penis bone for this to be true. I think I missed that day in A/P class. I'm not saying bacon makes me horny, but given the choice of Heidi Klum wearing Channel #5 and Heidi Klum wearing bacon earrings (all else being equal) I'd boink the one with bacon. So there it is, ladies. A little insight to the (very simple) male mind. Toss out your expensive smells-good. You're not impressing us any. Instead rus a few slabs of dead pig belly on your tender parts and watch us follow you through the gates of hell. FYI- This works on ugly people too. I don't care if you've got a face like a foot...smell like bacon, and I'm your all-night man! Yes, I'm bored.